Bathrooms

Since I last posted about uncontrollable #2, I feel like I might as well stick around the topic and blog about bathrooms.

First off, I'm a terrible Tree Hugger major. I've never been real camping. The cabin camping I did as a nine year old in Girl Scouts doesn't really count, because I was in a cabin. There weren't any showers, but there were still toilets and the biggest reason I've can't go camping is because I cannot handle not peeing in a toilet. Peeing in the woods creeps me out because are so many opportunities for disaster. Some hunter could stumble upon your squat-zone, you could wipe with an un-wipeable plant (I had a friend in middle school who had accidentally wiped his ass with poison ivy on a Boy Scout trip), or, you know, bears could attack or something. The last thing I need to be doing is giving a bear a peep show. Thanks but No.

I mean, I guess if I was stranded on a desert island I would be able to pee in the woods. Survival and all that...not that I would be doing much peeing if I were really dehydrated while in the desert. And not that there would be much woods either.

Obviously, I don't have an issue with the idea of peeing in the woods. It's really just my personal struggle. Guys have it good. They can just Point-And-Shoot. And literally, they can pee just about anywhere. Their pants don't even have to come off! I would pee outside all the time if it were just that easy. Us in the Order of the Uterus on the other hand, have a bit more difficulty in navigating a leak in the forest. The complicated physics of having the urethra point down-ish, while also avoiding peeing all over your clothes and yourself is just not worth it. I'll hold it, thanks.

And then we come to the outside toilet alternative: porta potties. These aren't as bad as peeing in the wilderness, but still kind of weird. Only to be used as a Last Resort for sure. Porta potties make me nervous because I've watched too many YouTube videos and episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos. With the right number of people it is not that difficult to tip over a porta potty with a person inside it. There can't be too many things grosser than being about to get down to business when you get thrown sideways and wind up covered in shit. This just makes me extra cautious when using a porta potty located near an incline. I'm sure a Porta Potty Accident it would cause a violent and immediate puking reaction in me. Ick times infinity. Plus there's that weird porta potty cleaner smell that they all have. Weird.

Let's move to the indoor plumbing versions.

Public bathrooms invoke a polar reaction in me: they are either Awesome, or Repulsive.

Awesome bathrooms are generally clean, have soap in the soap dispensers, and energy efficient hand dryers. The floor does not look like a toilet flooded in the past five minutes and there are no stalls where previous occupants have left you little surprises in the form of other gross stuff. Pleasant smells are always good too.

Now, Repulsive bathrooms are basically the opposite of Awesome bathrooms. They are so disgusting that you'd have better be on the verge of your bladder exploding to actually use these things. When you gotta go, you gotta go. I've been there. No judgement or anything. But afterward you're just like, "Dear Jesus, I touched my bare skin to that?" Or maybe you're somewhat paranoid about germs and you've mastered The Squat like my mother has, along with the Toilet Paper Seat. Either way, Repulsive bathrooms are likely to give you a case of PTSD.

Notice that I didn't mention graffiti. Maybe it's the inner rebel in me, but I think graffiti gives a bathroom character. It gives me something to look at while I take care of the Essentials. And quite frankly, I find bathroom graffiti to be some of the most interesting bathroom reading available. Granted, some of it is mega distasteful and I wouldn't mind if that were erased, but most of the time it's pretty cool. But only inside the stall. Outer-stall graffiti is just kind of trashy.

Also notice that automatic flushing toilets were not mentioned under Awesome bathrooms. That's because AFTs are not awesome. They are in fact the opposite of awesome. Since when did we Americans become so lazy that we can't even flush on our own? Is the act of flushing really so energy intensive that we have to program other things to do it for us?

But OK, I get the whole cleanliness idea. I don't really like the idea of swiping my grubby hands in places where somebody else's grubby hands have been. But really the only people who absolutely need AFTs are the elderly and people who are incapable of standing on one leg to flush with their foot. Therefore AFTs should be restricted to handicapped stalls. That way I don't have to deal with the damn things.

If you couldn't tell, I really dislike AFTs. They don't really like me either. I mean, there are very few things worse than the toilet flushing before you're ready for it to flush (...ok, so maybe a bear peep show). The absolute worst is when they spray. UGH. My butt hates being sprayed with toilet water. Gross. And what about multiple flushes? AFTs do not comprehend the idea of having to flush more than once. It drives me nuts. I mean, I don't know about guys, but sometimes Order of the Uterus members experience Monsoon Season in the Southern Hemisphere and then we have to go about changing feminine hygiene products. AFTs don't understand the concept of feminine hygiene products either because they will just flush for anything.

Enough about toilets. Time for some Actual Bathroom Stories. 
1. Back when I was a Girl Scout, probably in the year 2001 or so, my troop took a trip to the Old Country Buffet. Apparently the buffet got into an altercation with my stomach, so I made a trip to the water closet. Being obnoxious middle schoolers that we were, my friends decide to prank me. Now, I was in the handicapped stall and there were two other stalls next to it. At some point during my bathroom extravaganza, another woman came into the bathroom and was using the stall next to mine. I had no idea that my friends had snuck into the bathroom. The lock on the stall next to mine snicks, and I hear the door creep open. Then I hear a loud shout of "BOO!"and I see from underneath the stall the feet of the other lady jump a significant height into the air. Those idiots got the wrong stall! Sitting on the toilet I nearly cried myself blind I laughed so hard. Outside the stall I can hear my friends trying to explain themselves to a clearly scandalized woman, "We are SO SORRY. We thought you were our friend Sam!" Guys, next time you might want to shoe check before you go being creepers.

2. Several weeks after moving into Estate of Emergency, I was upstairs in my third floor abode when I hear Metalhead's muffled shout of "Sam! You might want to see this!" She was in our bathroom. As explained above, many a terrible thing can happen in a bathroom. I automatically assume the worst (ie she stabbed herself in the uvula with a toothbrush, she's drowing in the shower, etc). "Metalhead, are you OK??" "Yeah, but you're gonna want to see this."

Turns out that it was a mushroom. Growing out of our bathroom floor. After getting over the initial shock of having a fungus just chillin out next to our toilet, we named him Magnus. It became a huge joke in the house. The euphemism for 'going to the bathroom' became 'I'm going to visit Magnus' or just 'visiting Magnus'. Magnus the Mushroom was alive for about a week, and then he wilted and died. I believe it fitting of our status as college students that we just left him there. I did a make him a tombstone out of a notecard though.