Pillow talk

I'm not sure if I have ever mentioned this before, but my Mom sleep-talks. Generally I like to think of sleeptalking as the compliment to snoring; unavoidable and irrelevant, so not worth talking about. But Kelly's sleeptalking is a little more....interesting.

To begin with, Kelly is a very heavy sleeper. She also frequently complains about how realistic her dreams are. She'll mention something in passing that she thinks I did, and then when I'm like, wtf Mom? she'll realize she dreamed about it and it didn't really happen. Because of these crazy dreams her sleep talking is often kind of funny.

Just last night, she woke my dad up at 2am, screaming, yelling at him to "get the spiders off me!". Kelly is absolutely terrified of spiders. When asked if he was worried when Mom woke him up with her screaming Dad responded, "Scared? Hell no, I was pissed off! She woke me up at two in the morning screaming about spiders! I told her, 'there are no damn spiders on you Kelly! Go back to sleep.' "

When I was a senior in high school I was being an insomniac one night when all of a sudden I heard Mom go (from the other end of the hallway), "Mike!.....MIKE!....GET THE WEEDWACKER!" ...and then silence. It was probably after 2am.

But the crowning moment of Mom's sleeptalking is the Bear Story. I had stayed up late working on a school project and everyone else was already in bed and asleep. My bathroom was being repainted at the time so I had been taking showers in my parent's bathroom. I had stepped out of the shower, put on a towel, and I had just flicked the lights off and was walking through my parents bedroom (to get to the hallway) when Mom suddenly goes, "OH SHIT!". Immediately I freeze. My first thought is that Mom saw a burglar or something. The next thought is along the lines of how I really don't want to be mugged while wearing nothing but a towel. Naked muggings are no bueno. I'm still frozen and listening when the next thing I hear is Kelly say, in a country drawl, is "I'llllll get dem bears!.........fuckin' grizzlies" and then I hear her roll over and start snoring. I think I just about died laughing.