Vacationator

Last week I spent a whole seven days with my family in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

It started with an 8 hour drive. Oh, how I love being cooped up in a minivan with my fellow family members (ie Mom, Dad, Danny). I spent most of it waffling between being bored and reading. The rest of my time was spent yelling at my brother to stop farting in the van and tweeting about how awkward the South is. See below:

10 miles of traffic on route 50....can hardly contain my joy at being shut up in a minivan with my family.


A loud grunt is not the noise you want to hear when you walk into the bathroom.


The girl who was in the stall next to me was on the phone bitching out her boyf. At first i thought she was talking to me. #awkward


Saw a sign for "Harnett County's largest McDonalds playplace". Attractions in #thesouth


"Cafe Risque: 24 hour topless bar. We dare to bare." Really? 24 hours?


Just found a self breast exam card in the minivan  #vacation


Just passed a house with 3 toilets sitting in the front yard #thesouth #vacation


As a further testimony to #thesouth, the following morning (a Sunday), I found myself in a Super Walmart at 6:30am with my Favorite Aunt, Grandma, and my Dad. They wanted to beat the 'rush' (who the hell rushes a Walmart on a non-Black Friday??) and I was bored enough to go with them. We were there so early that even the people who worked in the Walmart seemed confused to find us there. I must add that while browsing said Walmart (in the crafty section), I came across a pattern on how to make a muumuu for your dog. I will never understand legit Walmart shoppers. In perusing the book section I stumbled across the book written by the Duggar family (the 19 Kids and Counting people). They're like a freak show, you're horrified but intrigued at the same time. So I read that until my family came to get me. 


That was also the day in which I realized that I forgot to pack the fundamental thing you need to pack when going to the beach: a bathing suit. Way to fail. This prompted an emergency mall trip in which my dad fell asleep in the Books-A-Million and I tried on a bazillion suits in order to just find one that fit. 


On Monday I actually spent some time at the beach, though it's not like it's hard since my grandparent's timeshare is beachfront. While out in the ocean the following conversation occurred: 


Me: Danny, why are you wearing underwear underneath your swimtrunks?
Danny: Because last year I got stung in the nuts by a jellyfish.
Mom: *solemnly nods*
Me: .....Well OK then. 


On Monday night I decide to crack open some wine coolers we bought while trying to update my field journal for work. I decide that drinking and doing official stuff for work is the best idea ever. I also manage to get tipsy off of a single wine cooler. Well, at least I know my tolerance is also on vacation.


My Grandma tells me about the New York couple who have a son that just graduated from medical school. He's doing his residency at either Hopkins or UMD (can't remember), and he's single. I think Grandma mentioned that he was single at least five times. I also get to hear about the gossip from the rest of the people at the pool. See, my grandparents have had this timeshare since 1983. That means they come to the same hotel during the same week of every year. Their favorite thing to do is sit by the pool and talk to people, so I get to hear all the secondhand details, like Single Sonnyboy Doctor. 


One of the things I like least about our timeshare is the bathroom. I'm pretty sure the last time the fan in that thing was updated was 1991, because it sucks. The other problem is that the showerhead is so low that I have to bend backwards 45 degrees to get my hair under the water flow. It makes me wonder if people in #thesouth are super short or something. 


On Tuesday I FINALLY get to see Harry Potter 7v2. Love those gingers, a newly hot Neville, and when Voldemort uses "HUG" (It was Super Awkward). 


Then there was the night that my family decided to let me choose where we ate dinner. While googling good places to eat I come across a place called "Suck, Bang, Blow." Though I am thoroughly intrigued, I save it for another day when my brother is actually legal. Instead I settle for a Pancake Place, only to get there and find it's not open for dinner. Then my Dad drives us around for another 20 minutes saying that we need to go somewhere that my brother and I will both agree on. Poor choice. Danny and I nearly beat each other up arguing over where to eat. Choosing a place to eat is when our Functional Dysfunctionality is at its best. All four of us have extremely different food tastes and preferences so even having two of us agree is time consuming and a pain in the ass. After driving the entire highway up and down looking for food, I DEMAND we go to a pizza place. Gino's NY Style Pizza is a dinky little shop, but they made me the best chicken and pineapple pizza I've ever had. All four of us enjoyed it, so I was pretty proud of myself. 


I think that was also the day when my cousin's friend, English, who is in the Coast Guard, ended up teaching my brother and I some pressure point self defense type moves. This resulted in Danny frequently trying (and failing) to sneak up on me and incapacitate me for the rest of the week. 


The next day while looking in the kitchen cabinets for a snack I come across a can of squirty cheese. I am instantly horrified, and Scruff tells me that "squirty cheese is not cheese; it is a blight upon society.". So true. That night I decline an invitation by my parents to sit by the pool and drink. Instead I decide to drink in the hotel room and dance to the live music (there's a beach bar next to the pool with live music daily) on the back porch. I drink 3 wine coolers, but I think the time between last eating and then drinking was too much because I got super nauseated. When I felt a little better the idea of sending drunk postcards came to me. I didn't have quite enough alcohol for that, but rest assured I will write some drunk postcards eventually. 


Thursday my entire family (mom + me, + grandparents + aunt/uncle + cousin M & her fiance + friend of my other cousin) go to Steak and Shake. As this was my first time in a S&S, I was amazed to find it like a retro Friendly's. Previously I'd always though it was like a fast food type place. Learned something new, didn't I?


On Saturday morning I got up early to pack all my stuff. I thought I'd had everything but apparently I'd forgotten a pair of my dirty underwear. This really isn't my fault. I'd packed my stuff before Danny had packed his, and his giant pile of clothes was all over the place. His clothes were hiding mine, so I blame him. Anyway, Danny decides that it would be funny to run and grab said underwear, and then parade/throw it around the living room in front of my ENTIRE FAMILY plus English. While trying to chase him down I slipped on the carpet and fell on my sunburned hip. Sometimes my brother deserves to get his face punched in. 


Before we actually drove home I made my family attend the first annual Myrtle Beach Reptile Show. I had a good time and I thought that there were a lot of cool critters there. However, if you think somebody is going to buy a damn Snapping Turtle for $500, you're out of your damn mind. Snapping Turtles are some of the most ornery animals known to man, and taking off a finger is tiddlywinks to them. If I want a damn snapper so bad, I'm gonna go out and catch one myself with a can of tunafish and a net (aka $10). Also, whose idea was it to put a bar in a reptile convention? Poisonous snakes and booze: worst combination ever. Really? I blame it on #thesouth. 


Another thing I learned: Sam's Clubs in SC have liquor stores attached to them (!). One stop shopping is right. 




And that concludes my bullshit ranting. 


This post was brought to you by: Metalhead's request, Vladimir my MacBook Pro, and the letter I, for Insomnia because for some reason I can't seem to fall asleep.