So my house has this thing with Footie Pajamas. I'm not sure how this happened, but all three girls in the house (3/5 people) are now in possession of pajamas with feet* in them.
Giraffes (another housemate) owns two pairs of footie pajamas. The craze is actually her fault. Her first pair are the monkey themed ones from Target. They're perky blue with the feet parts made to look like sock monkey slippers. The second pair is giraffe print. The amount of time she spends in them is a little disconcerting. She'll come home from class and put them on. Or spend an entire Saturday at the table doing homework in them. But that's not the weirdest part. She usually goes commando inside them yet insists upon wearing a bra. I mean, it's fleece. You are not going to nipple through fleece. It's fleece. But she insists. She'll also wear them for weeks without washing them. One time she wore them to Wegman's. But anyway, it's her fault because she raved about how much she loved her footie pajamas for a really long time and the rest of us got a little jealous.
Metalhead got her glow-in-the-dark spaceship footie pajamas from me. Aren't I a good housemate? Anyway, the story behind that is I bought them for me (not so good housemate). I got them from a giant yard sale and I was uuber excited because I mean, they're flipping adult footie pajamas and they glow in the goddamn dark! They even have spaceships on them! Who wouldn't get excited about that? So imagine my disappointment when I get them back to my dorm room and #1) I'm too tall and #2) a little too wide to fit into them. Sad face. I took them home for my 14 year old brother to wear because I thought he'd like them. Apparently he's 'too cool' (read: angsty with Bieber hair) for spaceship footie pajamas so he refused to wear them. Figuring they could at least be loved by someone, I bestowed them upon Metalhead who has a fondness for flying aircraft anyway. It was comparable to the time she bought herself power tools at Lowe's because she beamed a lot and squealed a little bit. She then wore them for an extended period of time.
Not to be upstaged, I got footie pajamas for Christmas this year. Except I didn't ask for them and I'm not really sure how Mom knew. This still kinda weirds me out a bit.
*My footie pajamas are....special, to say the least. They are extremely redneck footless footie pajamas. They are akin to something you would see in an old Dukes of Hazzard episode. Imagine a grandpa creaking in a rocking chair on the front porch in the twilight, complete with shotgun slung across his lap (and possibly a banjo). Now picture him wearing what amounts to a red adult-sized button-down onesie and you've got my footie pajamas.
This is not to say that I don't love them, because I do. They are just something that I would never, ever wear in public. This is significant because I've worn some pretty ridiculous things in public, like the red leopard print skinny jeans, the purple tutu, and the tentacle skirt. It's just that they look too ridiculous. And not cool ridiculous, but just kind of pathetic and crazy Appalachian ridiculous.
Reason #1 why public viewing is No Bueno: the crotch bulge. These things are made by Red Head, which is a company that manufactures hunting gear. So they were definitely made for a man. I don't have much in the sausage department (it's tacos all the way) so I just have all this extra room in the frontal pelvic area. Way awkward.
Reason #2: they have a butt flap. Now generally I would be OK with a butt flap. I don't think I would ever use it, but it's not like it's causing me harm or anything. I would just be way too paranoid of getting poop on myself...and also that means I would have to not wear underwear with them. How would you pull down underwear without taking off the pajamas if the whole point is to just open the butt flap and have at it? Achieving this feat would involve a lot of inter-clothes maneuvering that I probably couldn't pull off without falling into the toilet. Nope. I don't think that's happening. The weird part is that the flap on these particular pajamas isn't square, it's vertical and held closed by a single button. Who was the brains behind this one? A vertical butt flap? Yeah, buttcracks are vertical, but having a vertical buttflap leaves so much room for...error? Messes? STIs? Not really sure. It just seems counter-intuitive for me. The square flap was so much better. Just move everything out of the way, do your thing, re-button. Done-zo.
So for now I wear my redneck footless footie pajamas underneath a tshirt. They're great for warmth but no so great for fashion shows or toilet practicality.
The weirdest part about this is that I hated footie pajamas as a kid. They were cool to wear but I used to get so damn hot in them that I would zip them all the way down to the ankle and just walk around like that. I was a Proper Young Lady at all ages, let me tell you. Now I'm experiencing a life reversal as an adult. I just wish they made The Little Mermaid footie pajamas in my size.
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